Hurt
by BeMerryEatCake
Summary: The athlete. The singer. The dancer. The princess. The baby. The genius. The dreamer. The violinist. The prince. What happens to friends that grow apart? They eventually come together again.
1. Finality

In the time of an oncoming death never spoken of

Sit's a blond mopped boy just becoming an adult

His body sick and frail, barely able to stay alive

He manages to write to his old friends with a unsteady hand at his dieing hour, even a past love

They all go unaware with their far off lives

Unknowing to the future that will shatter their stable days

It will hit

Unexpected

Never to be forgotten

As the day that brought them all back together once again

Forever to remember their dear blond prince

The boy that changed everything

With his life that will never be

In a few more moments

But he will save them all

Oh he will

Though, he has no idea what has happened during the years

He will try

Even the most stubborn of the bunch

The owner of an angelic voice and a dieing relationship

Even the once rising star of soccer, alone with a sole dream he gave up long ago

Or rather the aloof violinist that had gone and disappeared unannounced years earlier

Leaving a honey eyed girl behind with tears in her eyes

The childlike Yaya that has gone through so much

And Kairi who has become successful in his studies but often thinks of the happy-go-lucky girl that he had once called sempai

It will even bring the once blissful couple, now broken up, back to where it started

Nagihiko the dancer

Rima the writer

How much everything has gone foul

The years flew by

With them all drifting apart

But they'll come back

Wondering what to do

Confused at what to say

Unsure of tomorrow

Not yet through with today

Because the one who will throw everything off balance is still writing

With every laboring breath he pours his soul

Knowing full-well Amu will be mad at him for not telling

Ikuto just the same but for a different reason

Yaya will hate him for taking all the attention

Not really

But she'll somehow come out with something bigger, he knows

Maybe not grand, not at all

But a thing that will cast the light on her

Utau will be upset

At the thought of her childhood friend dieing

So suddenly

So tragic

Kukai will want to help

Keep people's spirits high

Even if his insides are tearing up

Kairi will be lost at what to do

Sad that he had never known Tadase so well

Rima will be angry at the thought of him dieing to something so pathetically weak

Nagihiko will just stand off to the side with a sad smile

Because he knew

Oh, he knew

Of Tadase's weak body

Long before anyone ever did

A secret that had been kept

So strictly

Perhaps Ikuto knew as well

But he never showed

Not that it matters

Not when he feels his last bit of strength ebbing away

With his last breath

His very last word

To the very last letter

That they all will ever see

**0**

**0**

_Am I dieing?_

_Am I?_

_Why won't anyone answer?_

_Why is it so…_

…_silent…_

**0**

On a late afternoon steady beeping sounds. Although frequent enough, they are becoming few and far between. Weaker, quieter. A perspiring taunt young face sits silently against the hospital sheets next to a waning heart monitor. His breathes are ragged and torn as they rip from his lips that are a pale, almost a ghostly looking pink. Death is waiting mutely in the air, sitting and resting within the room.

Two of the blond boy's fingers twitch as his eyes shutter open suddenly.

He feels his body's immediate response to its awareness of being awake. A prickling knife feeling sliding blade first across his spine slowly crawls along his nerves. He gasps at the tremendous waves of pain pounding without warning against him, struggling to sit up against all the gangly wire and tubes connected to his mouth and arms. He reaches up with his fingers, surprise taking over his features as he discovers a large plastic covering over his nose and mouth. Tadase pulls the breathing mask from his face, flinching at the sharp snap as the band comes loose from the back of his head. It clatters sharply against the floor as his unsteady hand unfurls without thought. His lungs constrict immediately against the lack of pure oxygen now absent from entering his mouth.

A nurse, around thirty or so, turns around at the sudden sound from the mask falling. Her dull grey eyes widen in shock as she sees the trauma patient trying to stand up and walk from his bed. She scuttles quickly to his side, reaching to push him back down as gently as possible.

"Sir, please, lie back down!" the woman pleads, face shrouded in a veil of panic and complete bafflement. He shouldn't be even awake, let alone walking on his own! He doesn't have the strength to push her away, so he unwillingly lies back down against the pillows, struggling to breathe evenly. The nurse reaches down for the mask and moves to reposition it on his face. "The doctors will be here in a jiff, honey. I know the morphine is wearing off, but they'll be back to fix you up in no time," she says quieter, her forced cherry tone revealing much more than it should.

Tadase manages to sit back up again, leaning away from her as she tries to put back on the mask.

She stops all movement in surprise, staring at him in an odd way, as if she can't believe that he's able to move so much with the injuries he's sustained. But she doesn't know how wretched he feels on the inside, the way he senses as if everything is ablaze and tearing itself to shreds. The young boy notices his eyelids suddenly grow heavy as if lead were placed upon them. The pain begins to numb as he struggles to heft his feet over the side of the bed. He thinks it odd but quickly swats the thought away as a more pressing matter sears bright in his mind.

"Please," his voice rasps as his eyes sting with tears at the immense pain slicing through his throat at such an action. He felt as if he hadn't had any water for years. But that didn't matter, only one thing did now. "I need a pencil and paper."

She shakes her head sharply. "Sir, I'm sorry but you need to lie back down. You have suffered severe trauma, your condition is very unstable at this point-"

"I know my condition," he replies harshly, coming close to a yell. With this, a coughing fit captures and hurls from his throat. The boy gasps but doesn't look away from her eyes. He swallows once and continues in his speech. "I need to write something…"

The nurse's brows pivot down as she struggles to fight back against her trained sense from her early years when patient care was drilled into her. "B-but, sir, I can't allow that-"

His face tears into visible pain as he grips the bed siding tightly, with knuckles paling to white. "Please, I know…" His lips tilt in a sad smile. "My family won't get here in time. I barely have any left, right?" A chuckle breaks from him as he gets a suspended feeling. It yanks at him, pulling so lightly as if to whisk him away easily into the air. The tempting sweet pluck of sleep tugs at his mind and body.

The nurse's lips tremble as she places the mask against a nearby counter. "I have to go by regulations, I have to take care of the patient…"

They told her to make him feel comfortable, safe, secure.

They told her not to make him panic.

They told her that a twenty year old boy was going to _die_.

And they couldn't do a damn thing about it.

He gives her that warm understanding smile and she can't help the choked sob that threatens to escape from her lungs. "Just let me write one last thing to the girl I love."

Her face washes over in a cold pale as a prickling icy shudder stings across her cheeks. The nurse doesn't utter a sound as she backs away and shifts so her features are obscured from view. He wants to call out, inner alarm spiking high as he assumes she's leaving to call a doctor. The boy reaches out a hand but before he can utter a sound, she's quickly at his side again holding out a pen and a single sheet of paper. He notices the evident quaking in her hands as he takes the two items from her but doesn't bring it up aloud.

"Thank you," is the only thing that would come to his thoughts and voice. And he does the one thing he can.

He writes a statement, the one he had been struggling to voice in words for his entire life he had known this time would eventually come. The words are a scrawl he knows will be difficult to read, but legible all the same. He lets the paper and pencil fall free from his grasp as his body suddenly feels so heavy, so very heavy. The blond falls back against the sheets, staring straight up at the newly painted sky blue ceiling. His fingers are weights, his legs are weights, his arms are weights.

The ceiling morphs so rapidly as his eyelids start to close along side the temptation of rest

And the light azure fades to a grinning rosette haired girl as his gaze becomes a thin level lined slit, one with golden honey eyes. A girl he would never see again, he knows. But it's a last sight he doesn't mind. Not at all. Almost just as suddenly as Tadase Hotori woke up, blackness sweeps him up and away…from everything…

**0**

**0**

**I've been working on this story since I created Camp S.O.S, but never got the guts to post any of it until I wrote this prologue. I actually wrote this after chapters 1-4. Some of you might find this story either boring, too slow, or you just might not like it. But I'm REALLY hoping there is someone out there who will like this. I've worked so long and hard on this to let it rot on my computer without anyone seeing it. I've rewritten, added in, fixed, prodded, poked, planned for seven chapters so far. And I feel ready to lay it all out on the line and see what you guys think.**

**WAIT!**

**Before you click off the page and dismiss this author's note with a shrug, please, I really want to know what you thought. Heck, give me a random smiley face if you liked it! Any review is welcome. And if your seriously confused, it will all be explained by the time this story's over. Don't worry! **

**Did I kill off Tadase just because of my love for Amuto? No. I really didn't. This plot just hit me in the face one day and I decided to write it down. This is an AU by the way, no chara's yet again. **

**Big surprise there…**


	2. Questions Unanswered

_What you don't know won't hurt…_

_…it will shatter you_

* * *

There's nothing to say.

Nothing to breathe.

Nothing to do.

Stoic faced men stand around awkwardly, speaking in low tones.

Clusters of sobbing women crowd most of the living room, wallowing in their mourning attire, tearful eyes welling up again and again. It runs over their made up cheeks, staining across their ruby red lips, fading it away so much they had to reapply it several times during the hour. But some don't bother to fix their makeup, some sit completely by themselves, some stay silent without a word.

What if there isn't a 'some' but just a 'one'?

Her lips are a tight line, straight across and so thin you can barely notice the pale pink. Dull, honey orbs stay frozen on the floor, never moving an inch from the spot. They are blank, remote, with a flicker of pain every few minutes that pass. It lashes deep from within the young pink haired girl, so deep, so raw in it's state most wouldn't recognize the emotion right off. But another sees the feeling of loss in her eyes.

His own are dark, soulless. He stands three feet away, staring at the one person he couldn't live without, not a blink in his gaze, nor does he give a centimeter at the distance. She doesn't notice the azure haired man so close to her, in a perimeter that anyone else would pick up on immediately. The man says silent, ever still and to himself for a few moments. But those minutes shrink away and fade to the back of his mind as he steps forward and sits quietly next to the mute girl on the couch.

He notices the changes. Her height, her body shape is completely different. But her face is the same, the honey eyes that he never got tired of still wide and endless. Ikuto frowns ever so slightly to himself. There is one evident change that he can't help but note. The wretched, lost look pulls her normally cheery open face taunt, her familiar beautiful gaze dulled with some inner pain he can't quite match with his own.

She doesn't make a sound for awhile, as if she hadn't noticed him at all. Before he can present his own speech she cuts him off, voice hollow and so strange to his ears he can barely understand what's coming from her lips.

"You came back," Amu utters plainly.

Ikuto doesn't turn towards her, but sits up straighter in the fold out chair. "Yeah…" He answers quietly, almost inaudible.

Her lips tremble slightly, as if she were trying to smile but failed miserably. "You missed the service."

It doesn't come out scorned or bitter. More like an old joke that just isn't as funny anymore. Oh_, you lazy boy. You are always late!_

"My flight was delayed."

"Really…why?" Amu questions numbly, interlocking her shaking fingers to steady them.

Ikuto leans his head back, closing off his dark eyes. "Damn rain…"

The rosette haired girl laughs, but it doesn't sound right. Nothing really sounds right. "Eh? Mr. Cat boy afraid of a little water, how silly." Amu shakes her head to herself, blinking rapidly. Ikuto notices the misty tint to her golden gaze, peeking at her from the corner of his eyes. She sniffs softly, trying not to alarm the man next to her, though she isn't aware he already knows.

"I remember that one time you got drenched. You came on my balcony and asked for a towel. A _towel _for god's sakes! And I'm sitting there trying to figure out this stupid math problem and your just there, dripping all over the floor…" Her laugh comes out like a muted sob this time, cut off before it could even start. But she continues, her mind desperately clawing for something, anything to bring up. Anything to make the throbbing hurt disappear. "My mother found you in my room that time, too. She was so angry. But not as much as dad was, oh…no one could match his overdramatic tantrums. Not even Ami! And she was eight at the time." Her tone is falsely cheery, making Ikuto's stomach tie up in knots. But there isn't a speck of a smile on her face.

She looks at her lap as she speaks again.

"Were you able to reach Utau?"

Ikuto stays quiet for a while, eyes scrolling the plastered ceiling above. "No…her phone is off. She always turns off her personal phone during concerts, and she sometimes forgets to switch it on again." He had tried calling his sister for hours, pacing back and forth at the airport when his flight was delayed. Endless minutes of the agonizing realization that if Utau picked up the phone he would have to tell her what had happened.

The fact that he was relieved that she never answered disgusted him.

"Oh." Amu replies quietly, almost surprised.

All she could think was: _Utau doesn't know._ The thought seems shockingly unbelievable.

Although, it was true. Whether she liked it or not.

"Well," Amu starts hesitantly. "I could try calling her later…"

It was a suggestion he wills himself to not agree with, he would never wish such a task on a girl like Amu.

But he wants to.

Was that wrong, or just human?

"No." Ikuto shakes his head to the floor, but turns to stare at the girl. "I'll take care of it."

Soon she would break, probably when she was alone in her room where no one could see her tears. He knew how torn inside she really was about the death, the passing of a young boy they all knew and cared for like a real sibling. Glimpses of yesterday resurface. The phone call he had received over twelve hours earlier that had spun the world around and shattered something inside him. Her sobbing voice, ragged, screaming into his ear to come home, to just come _back_. Ikuto was shocked at the hysterical call from Amu.

All he could wonder was: _How did she get a hold of me?_

He hasn't been in touch with her for years.

Though, that part was very much purposeful.

He had planned for her to forget him and go after the good, the better man. Though, there were multiple reasons he took off, she was a deciding factor. Ikuto wanted the girl to run to Tadase, for as long as she could, and build a stable relationship with someone that had everything straight. That could provide in the right way with love, be a stable figure. It had seemed like a good plan in the beginning. An image he twisted to an impossible fantasy mulling it over for endless hours in his head. He expected her to hate him so much for leaving, she would never try to look, never attempt to find him. That's what he had believed.

He thought it would work somehow.

He never expected this to happen.

…_So sudden, so quick-_

None of them had.

"Ok." Amu agrees quietly, her answer to his previous statement delayed quite drastically long. But he doesn't tease her about it like he normally would have years ago. Which is strange in itself, but neither bring the fact up.

Amu shifts, barely, but enough that she could glance at Ikuto next to her. "You look different."

She says it in such awe, as if she doesn't recognize the young man from her childhood.

Almost like she asks: _Who are you?_

Ikuto clears his throat, the sound loud painfully loud to his ears. "It's been four years. Everyone's gotten older, Amu."

The girl shakes her head once, face perplexed. "No…_you _left four years ago-" Ikuto winces at her words, but quickly covers it up, reaching up to scratch his face. "But remember? Nagihiko and Rima were planning to move together for college after high school to share rent in an apartment. A year before I would graduate. They went so far away north, we could never make plans to meet up. After a while we just…stopped emailing each other, I really don't know why." A sigh breezes over her lips. "Three years, sheesh, they must have changed so much. I'm not even sure if they're together anymore."

The clock ticks ten times in the silence this time before one of them speaks again.

"Did you tell them?" He questions solemnly, watching a small depressed looking group steadily move out of the living area and towards the exit. They stop in front of a distraught Mr. Hotori, shaking his hand and bidding their condolences and goodbyes. The Mrs. is no where to be found, not even when Ikuto had arrived did he see the women anywhere downstairs.

"I…" her voice ebbs off as her eyes take on a faraway look. "Tried. But…I wasn't sure if either would answer their old email or phone. I sent them both the invitations, I haven't gotten a reply yet and you're the only one that came besides Yaya and Kari. Kukai will be here in a few hours, he had to notify his boss…or someone like that know and take care of a few things…" Amu rubs absently below her eyelid, her vision never meeting Ikuto's own.

The man himself didn't understand why she wouldn't meet his eyes. But he had a hunch.

If she looked at him, really stared, and they met each other's sights…she wouldn't be able to hold herself together anymore. Memories, thoughts of the past would resurface. Amu would react like any unstable person in a state of shock. She would start to cry.

And she knew she would never stop.

He somehow knew it too.

Ikuto watches as her hands finally stop their quaking and keep motionless. She sucks in a breathe, almost inaudible, but he heard it from being so close. "They left about an hour earlier. Yaya was…quiet, you know? The first time I've seen her in years and she was completely different. It was odd. I didn't know what to say, really. Kairi looked just so…_devastated_." Her voice wavers as she tries to steady herself, tears welling up and ready to pour down at any moment. "But who wouldn't be? Kairi probably feels guilty for not getting to know him more." She stops the words abruptly, fear racing across her features as she straightens her back; her hands curling tightly into quivering fists.

"Ikuto." Amu whispers, her voice thick with something he can barely recognize. "It's not right to be angry at him. Not one bit. I know that. But, I just can't help but feel so…_mad_…" A lone tear washes over her cheek, plopping onto her closed fists. "He said nothing to me. Nothing to them, nothing to his parents. And I keep thinking: 'why, why didn't he say anything?' Any normal person would leave a note. He always left notes, he was always responsible. They said he knew about his condition months before -" Her whispering was becoming high and wild, soon she would erupt into yelling. The same hysterics that Ikuto never wanted to hear again. "I could have stopped him. But I said frosting, I needed frosting! I hate that stupid unfinished cake, damn it, I should've gone! I should be-"

"Amu, _don't_." Ikuto slices her words off, his tone hard and final. His eyes are livid as he stares at the girl, face tight with anger. Amu flinches violently as if slapped, recoiling back with her gaze wide on the hard wooded floor.

"I'm sorry. Please…forget what I said," she mumbles quietly than quickly excuses herself, scurrying away towards a doorway and disappearing from sight. Ikuto rubs at his face, groaning softly as to not disturb others in the room. He wants to go after her, pull her in tight and never let go. He wants so much to comfort the girl and let her cry until she just can't move anymore. Ikuto feels like mourning too, he feels at a loss at what exactly he needs to do. This uneasy feeling of being suspended in the air where you have no control, no grasp on anything.

What now?

Suddenly, his body freezes as his eyes catch a bright smiling face. Blond hair, crimson orbs alight with warmth that no one could really fake. Ikuto's hands fall limp as he stares long and hard at the picture above the fireplace. The grinning face of Tadase Hotori stares right back.

And he never blinks.

"You had everything. You had her…" Ikuto whispers, hushed to the photograph. "Why…" But he doesn't finish the question. Not when he knows it will never have an answer.

_Why did you die?_

* * *

**I wrote this before the prologue (it's actually the first thing I wrote part of the story), so in my opinion it's pretty old and sort of bad. ARG! Everything I write looks horrible to me, it takes alot for me to post something and not expect a bombardment of flames. My lack of confidence is due to a long pitiful story of my first couple years on here. And you all are better off not knowing it. **

**This chapter was kind of written as a test of sorts, so I don't know it it comes off as choppy or whatever. I mentioned a couple things that happened in the past, that will continue on throughout the fic for a long time. This is what I mean by slooowww. I'm going to go through reactions, memories, and confrontations one by one. And I put orbs because I'm pretty sure I used up all my words for eyes multiple times. Pools, sights, gaze...stare. I know it bugs some people because it's so overused. Forgive me! DX**

**To all who reviewed, alerted, favorited:**

**THANK YOU! :D You have given me the strength to continue on with this story, and your compliments had me smiling like crazy. Made my entire day to tell you the truth. **

**And to clear up everyone's age:**

**Ikuto: 24**

**Amu: 20**

**Kukai: 21**

**Utau: 22**

**Rima: 20**

**Nagihiko: 20**

**Yaya: 19**

**Kairi: 18**


	3. A Dying Light

A woman sits silently, her eyes robbed of sleep, cold and dull in the candle light. The flame pitches, as if blown by a breeze from a nearby window. But that is impossible. All the windows are closed off and shut tight against the chilling September night. Her violet eyed gaze shifts to stare at the quickly sputtering man that she thought she loved once upon a time. His breath, words that are so quick and so close to the light it keeps flickering against the puff of air from his mouth with every syllable.

Utau doesn't hear the words intended for her ears very well.

Quiet murmmuring talk surrounds the room, mostly couples on romantic dates. Waiters rush about, filling orders, taking orders.

Theirs has yet to arrive. Utau takes her drink, intending to drown her dreariness with some wine but notices after a moment of no liquid passing over lips that the cup is empty. She unfurls her fingers around the glass, glancing around for a free worker to fill her cup again.

"And my new boss, she's fantastic, you have to meet her!" her boyfriend gushes, eyes alight with an emotion she hasn't seen in over a year. He rakes a hand through his short cut, the brown tufts running easily through his fingers. "I mean…that woman is just impeccable. She just knows what she's doing. And whenever I propose an idea for the company, she actually listens. She understands." The young man looks down towards the silky tablecloth, his face still full of the shadowing guilt that he's been having trouble hiding for the whole entire evening. Utau's not oblivious. She notices when a man isn't telling the whole truth.

But what was the point really?

Eventually, it would come out. She just has to wait.

A prick of ice stabs inside Utau's chest as the overwhelming thought pops up again. Even when she knew it was coming, even when she knew neither of them were willing to go on with the relationship…she still felt hurt, unsure of what would happen after he broke up with her. But there could be a slim chance that he was just feeling bad about ruining her designer boots she needed for a shoot.

She really wished it was only that.

Tatsuki has always been a nice guy, from the start and to the end. He probably knew their being together was getting nowhere and wanted to break it off as gently as he could, taking her to dinner and giving polite conversation. No harsh words, no complaints, no lies.

"Keiko is just an amazing employer. I really appreciate the recommendation to that company from you, honey, you wouldn't believe how much it's helped me get back on my feet." His smile, although soft and familiarly kind…holds something else. Could it be…regret? Maybe he's thinking about the two years Utau helped provide for him after he was laid off and had no luck with finding a job. The blond woman fiddles with the ring on her pinkie, twirling it around and around as her thoughts increase in speed and number.

"Would you like more wine, miss?" The question rushes through her hearing suddenly. A waiter stands at her side, his brows raising ever so slightly. Utau turns and offers a tight lipped smile with her response.

"Yes. Thank you." Her words are chipped, no real warming meaning to them at all. Lifeless.

Tatsuki waits for the man to fill Utau's glass, his voice falling oddly silent. He sits ever still, his eyes trailing after the waiter until he believes the man is far enough away.

"Utau…" His hand is resting atop hers now, so light and gentle that she almost hadn't noticed the caring gesture. A sudden surge of deep knowing floods her body and she stiffens instinctively. Her heart pounds, quickening under her skin at an unbelievable pace. She tries to avoid his eyes, enough that she doesn't have to see the pity, the sad remorse of having to let down their partner. It's happening again. Why is it happening to her again? Maybe she was the worst girlfriend to have. One who's too busy with her job, one who never shows affection quite as often as most couples. It wasn't as if she ever expected any of them to propose. A laugh bubbles in her chest but it doesn't burst from her lips as easily as it gathers. Utau braces herself, like all the other times she knew it would be coming but she had given it her best shot anyway.

_I should just stop trying and focus on myself. _What a pitiful selfish thought of her.

But she didn't see any other option.

Tatsuki's fingers tighten around her hand and his brows furrow tight, the guilt sweeping full force across his face. "I've been meaning to tell you something," Utau felt her skin prickle, a strange cold seeping up through her arms as she knew what the fingers grasping her hand tightly meant. "I think-"

Utau jumps ever so slightly, jostling the table and making Tatsuki flinch away. The buzzing of her phone in her pocket had caught her completely off guard. She shot an apologetic look in his direction but couldn't help her relief at stalling the process further.

Was that not normal? It probably isn't.

"I'm sorry. This will only take a second."

So many times she could remember saying that phrase to him…no wonder he grew tired of her. But what did it really matter now? He was getting ready to break it off with her anyway. There wasn't really a point in trying to salvage the relationship now.

He smiles like he always does and nods in response. Utau reaches to pull out her cell phone and quickly scans the screen over.

Caller: Unknown.

The woman looks at it, puzzled. All calls immediately would have been forwarded to her manager, and Mrs. Yuu almost never bothered Utau with the caller unless it was important. And she knew the caller wasn't a company or some client, there would be a number listed. Odd…Utau puts the thin phone to her ear, unsure of whether she should really answer or not. She waits in awkward silence for a few moments wondering who was on the other end. Finally, a sharp click goes off. There is nothing loud on the other line except muffled breathing and a faint mumble of sound that is most likely a t.v.

"Hello?" she asks to the air, worrying that it might be some weirdo that had gotten a hold of her contact information. A loud startling 'oh' went off on the other end and Utau had to pull back on reflex from the inappropriate decibel level. It was a man from what she could tell. But she couldn't help but feel the voice as…familiar.

"Um…yeah, is this Utau?"

All of sudden she felt her lungs constrict, her mouth opening with a quiet gasp of shock. Utau let her own eyes widen a fraction. "Kukai?"

Tatsuki watches in confusion at her reaction, concern lighting across his features.

Anger, she could feel. But there was a more overpowering uncertainty and loss aching in her chest as she realizes who exactly is on the other line. "How," she pauses, breathless. "How did you get hold of my number?" Her tone is cold, she knows that. And it has a steely edge of spite, she knows this but doesn't want to pull it back and start over more civilly. She can still remember the day when everything had gone so wrong and ended in pain. Pain she had never really gotten over.

His breathing is quaky, uneven. Utau thought this out of the ordinary for someone like Kukai. But she is still trying to get over the fact that he actually called her. None of them talked anymore. No one of the original group, not really. From what she could recall, Tadase and Amu stayed back in their home town where they grew up. Ikuto had run off to gods knows where and rarely ever left a message on her phone.

If he remembered to.

She hadn't really known Rima and Nagihiko well, but they've been off the radar too for quite a long time.

Yaya? Kairi? She didn't know anything.

God…when she thought about it, they were all so spread out, just not together at all anymore.

Utau snaps back to attention when Kukai's muffled voice goes up suddenly and pitches back to talking mode. She listens, face full of irritation, then concentration, then nothing. His talking comes in bursts and ends in quiet, a minute passes and it hits. The words being fed into her ears almost don't register as she hears them. Her face pales drastically and she feels a horrifying icy shudder wash over her skin. It chills through her bones, her skin, her thoughts. Utau opens her mouth once, but it shuts almost immediately at the voice continuing on the other line.

"What?" she questions almost mutely.

Kukai's speech comes much more softly this time, slower. She listens with an open hand leaning against her forehead, elbow supporting her arm and dark lilac gaze blank on the countertop before her. Her mouth begins to quake, and she looks up at the ceiling as her eyes become bright with tears. She bites her lip tight, her nose suddenly burning a bright hued crimson at the tip.

"Oh my god." She whispers, shutting her eyes to the world. "_Oh my god_."

Alarm showers over Tatsuki as he sees Utau growing drastically upset with the call. He leans towards her, reaching out a hand. "Wha-Utau, what's going on? Is something wrong?" She doesn't respond to his worry, only wiping at her eyes and continuing to listen to the other line.

"Alright. Tell…Amu I'll be there tomorrow." She chokes out, her voice thick with something she hasn't felt since she was twelve. Utau takes the phone from her ear and carelessly flings it against the table. She buries her face into her hands, eyes peeking from the holes through her fingers. Her gaze is vacant, disbelief steadily reaching across her entire face.

Utter and complete shock was all that would come.

Tatsuki inclines his head back, deeply confused at this point. He reaches again for his girlfriend, speaking softly. "Hey, is there something-"

Utau pulls abruptly back. She levels him with sad lonely eyes, but a stern frown. "I want to know the truth, and I want nothing less." Her voice is practically inaudible. But there is a quality he doesn't recognize in the girl at all. Something is gone, something had disappeared along with the call she had received only moments before. "Do you want to be with me?"

There's a soft desperation, so small it is barely noticeable. As if she needs him to say yes but she knows it won't be the answer. She already knows the truth.

Tatsuki's eyes shoot wide at her bluntness. He sputters for a moment, caught of guard. "Huh, Utau-I don't understand what -"

"Yes you do." She interjects coldly. "You were going to break up with me tonight weren't you?"

Tatsuki fidgets uncomfortably, rubbing absently at his face. Frustration spells out with the three lines embedded deep in his forehead. "I…" he looks down, not meeting her eyes. His expression is almost as mournfully pathetic as hers. "I'm sorry."

The apology holds the answer she's been waiting for, and it gives off more emotion and care than all the others over the years. She excuses herself without another word, leaving a distraught and very lost Ex-boyfriend sitting alone with the still flickering candlelight. A waiter looks at her puzzled as she nears the exit, carrying two meals intended for both of them. He turns, opening his mouth. But she doesn't bother to wait for his question, instead she hands him an heavily generous sum of money for the bill.

"Here. For both of us and your trouble for the preparation."

He looks at it, mouth now hanging open dumbly in shock. The young man whips around, the steaming hot food tipping dangerously on his hand from the action.

"Thank y-" The words die on his lips as he sees the door of the entrance swing shut and blond locks tumbling away out of view. "…you." Out of sight…

…_out of mind._

* * *

**This is really short, a lot shorter than I thought it was! I wrote this like...uhhhhhh, six months back? Not long after chapter one. So, most of this is like crap to me. But I do remember putting alot of work into the scene where she hears of Tadase's death from Kukai (yeah, Ikuto was beat to it). I hope I did that justice. Can anyone guess what her now ex-boyfriend was feeling guilty about? I'm pretty sure it's obvious, my sister guessed right when she was reading. For the clueless bunch, well it won't be revealed for a while. Alrighty then, chapter three will probably be up soon after this since it's short too (sorry!) they'll get longer though, a lot longer than necessary for those few who get bored easily. **

**Replying to all of you this late seemed sort of silly, so I'm just going to reply here -**

RandomBeats**: It is a poem...is that what you were confused about? You put a question mark, so I wasn't sure. Sorry for my fail at poems DX I inspired you? HOLY DANG. That's like an indirect compliment right there! haha, yeah! I know exactly what you mean. I've got so many projects floating around in my head and then another whams me in the face and I know if I take it on my brain will implode. **

Miyuka Kokoro**: Your compliments made my face ache from smiling so much. I'm so happy to see you are actually excited to read the rest of this story! That's just...aw, thank you! I'm hoping I didn't let you down with this one! **

candycloud8**: Cool! My tenth reviewer, you are awesome. Glad you liked the first! Did you enjoy the second...? Maybe...? **

Yannami**: That reassures me a lot! Thank you! :D Yeah, everyone's been just as upset with me for doing that to him. Here's the update~**

**The rest of you I think I replied to...if I didn't I hearby apologize sincerely! I do tend to reply twice if I neglect replying immediately. I think I did that with **O.o azuasihikonari o.O**? I felt like an idiot, I do remember that! **

**You all rock my socks, every alerter, every favoriter, and every reviewer! :D**


	4. Alone

A gentle whir strums through the small bedroom. Ocher walls enclose on the space, heavily shadowed with the lack of light from nothing but the slowly dimming sun rays. The fan, gradually turning as the culprit of the soft and only noise, following with the almost inaudible breathes of a young girl spread out at the middle of a bed. Her pastel orange locks tumble freely around her head, not constricted with her normal two hair ties.

She had given up that style of fashion long ago.

What good really, was a baby?

Her arm is lain straight across her eyes, lazily hanging there to block any and all vision from the smooth re-painted ceiling. But if you look closely enough, you'll notice the faint outlines of maybe a unicorn or star embedded under the thin layer of white paint. It long ago harbored many glow in the dark shapes she had put on herself and gotten grounded for. But as a young girl she would smile up at the small nightlights warding away all the bedtime monsters, able to close her eyes and feel as if her mother was holding her hand and comforting her to sleep. They had been so busy with other adult things at the time, patting her head and calling her a big girl, thinking she would go back to sleep after such a light gesture and fake compliments.

Big girls didn't cry about monsters under the bed.

They never were supposed to cry about toys stolen from them at school.

Not even when they were called names.

Yaya steadily removes her arm, blinking rapidly at the ceiling. Tears roll from the corners of her eyes, fat and thick. They rapidly stain through the worn pink comforter, disappearing into the mass to be overrun by more and more tears just like the first. She places both hands on her stomach, curling her legs up and turning on her side. Her body shudders, accompanying quiet sobs. She sniffs and cries into the blanket, glad that Kairi is in the other room and behind a closed door. Both of her parents are probably talking to him like good hosts, offering condolences and 'sorrys' that are always to be expected. And he is probably looking every minute or so at her closed-off space, willing himself to keep back and say nothing.

It would be so like him.

Kairi is polite and mannerly, the perfect gentleman, never the thought of something offensive would break through from his mouth. That is why he is listening to her parents endless and pointless pity talk, waiting for the chance to bother Yaya and try again and ask her to come back for the gathering after the funeral only with close friends and family members invited. Since when was she considered a close friend? Yaya snuggles further into the blanket, trying to ignore the annoying murmuring in the next room. She had put up with coming to the service in the church yesterday, watching painfully as she saw Amu run from the room with tears streaming down her face. Yaya had seen the sad mourners gather around the coffin, paying their respects quietly and practically muted under their breaths.

Was it really that bad she didn't want to be there?

A place full of grief. A place that held no smiles. A place she knew so well from after school projects, study groups and parties. Childhood. His house held too many memories, too many things that stung deep and never ceased to release and leave her at peace. She didn't want to go.

Besides, it should be nearly over by now.

Yaya shuts her eyes as they feel heavier. Her arms feel so light, limbs detached. She wonders to herself how they would react after such a drastic blow from his death about her _secret_. They would be shocked, maybe even sickened by the thought of her being in such a state. Her mother would indeed cry like she had at Tadase's funeral. Her father's face would pull into even more taunt, hard and cold from the many years of underpaid labor. But this time it would be from his only daughter, the one he hadn't expected much from.

She knows how much of a failure she's turned out to be.

Irresponsible trash that ran away from home. And she had the nerve to show back up two years later, dropped clean from high school with no money and just the clothes on her back. And a brother that is still unforgiving of his older sister, avoiding her like the plague for the last three months. She wants to hug him again and help him learn math and to spell. She wants to carry him up on her shoulders and bring him to the amusement park just like all those other times.

She wants to take back all the words she said about wishing he had never been born. She wants to apologize for being selfish of his hospital needs and hating the fact she couldn't get new clothes and lunch at school.

She wants to tell Tsubasa how much she loves him and never meant for her brother to feel like she hated him. She wants to take back the two years she had run away, believing she could make it on her own. She wants to especially take back the day she had met _**him**_.

But that's all impossible.

She can't take any of it back…nothing can be rewound.

Yaya wobbles to her feet, feeling strangely weak in her arms and legs. But her mind is drifting, further and further so much she doesn't care to stop and wipe the tears from her cheeks. Her feet continue forward as she finally manages to twist the knob and step through the door. She makes it to the living room and suddenly all the talking stops, all sound ceases. Her parents are sitting comfortably on the lone green sofa, Tsubasa against the bottom with his knees crossed on the floor. All heads swivel in her direction, coupled with wary eyes and sorrowful expressions. But Yaya pays no mind to her mother and father, nor Kairi who took to standing immediately at her entrance.

He's wearing a suit, one that is most likely for the gathering she was supposed to attend after the funeral.

"Yaya? Did you change your mind-"

She brushes past him, seeing the distorted child face of her brother only and no other. Her vision swims unsteadily but she reaches for him, smiling with watery eyes.

"Tsubasa…please forgive me. I'll do anything, so please…" Her feet fall slack and she can feel the sudden lack of control on her limbs. Startling cries go out and the last thing she can see is the pale face of her brother, the sudden fear crawling across his wide auburn eyes. But she keeps smiling, somehow thinking it will change that expression, that fear of her. She wants it to change. So _much._

Her vision is now black, her body now numb. She can't feel anything.

Nothing but the face of her brother will surface and the memory of that snowy night in December.

_Don't leave me alone…_

…_when I already am._

_

* * *

_

**Okay, next chapter things are going to get tense. There's a big secret that's going to be revealed. **

**And after the next chapter Yaya's going to get a bit...I don't think ooc, I try REALLY hard to write IC. But more, just different, unstable. I'm nervous about that, how you guys will react to Yaya being a lot more grownup. As **Yannami** suggested they display their hilarious traits, I'm really planning on doing that. The story right now is just going in a climax cycle with all the character's past mistakes and stuff. I can't really have them be all majorly light and jokey just yet. Does that make sense? Because Yaya will start to act more herself later on, she just went through a lot of crap when she ran away from home (for a reason) so it affected her outlook on life a bit. I know this one is short, the next chapter is in the three thousand range, so I hope that makes up for it. **

**Thanks for stopping by! Hope you enjoyed :) **


	5. Together Again

_We've all changed…_

…_for the better…_

…_or rather, for the worse?_

* * *

A large group gathers in a hospital lobby. Most of the young adults expressions are stone cold, eyes dead with hours of already expressed grief. They stand around, strangely awkward in the luminescent hospital light. But there is a hole, a noticeable rift around them all that will not be moved. It stays in between all six young adults defiantly, pushing all of them apart as if they thought it would break some unbroken rule to trespass over the line even one inch. Beside the large gathering sits a distraught looking mother and father on a couch. But if you peer closely enough, nestled in between them both is a young boy.

His caramel orbs stick to the shiny linoleum floor, mouth tight-lipped. A slightly aged looking woman beside him has an arm around his shoulders, so noticeably rigid as if she thinks he will disappear.

Just like her only daughter had those two dreadful years.

Amu looks at Tsubasa with pitiful wide honey eyes, the only one of the old group of friends who had took to sitting in one of the few scattered chairs. A lone violinist leans against one of the sickly toned white walls, arms crossed lazily over his chest. Ikuto knows she wants to comfort the young boy, he's also aware she wants so much to burst into Yaya's room and see what is going on. Her face is open, too honest, just like from the days he could remember spending with the strawberry haired girl. His lips form slowly into a smirk, one that is not as full of arrogance or amusement but more of sad remembrance.

But he doesn't go over to distract her mind from the insane mess that had befallen them all. Although, his limbs twitch to do the action, he has to force his body not to. Ikuto closes his eyes, a whirlwind of curses gathering against his lips to spit at his stupid self.

No, he shouldn't get too involved. That would make it much harder to leave.

Rima's golden gaze narrows on the midnight haired man's lean form. She wonders why he isn't bothering to go and comfort the girl he cares deeply for, it is just too strange and frustrating. Even after leaving Amu all those years ago for god knows why, he thinks he can get off so easily just because something like this has happened? Rima puffs her cheeks, miffed to her core.

Another young man watches the tiny blond haired woman closely, slightly bemused at her actions. He knows what's she's thinking. Nagihiko sighs to himself, questioning if he should stop Rima before she does something terribly uncalled for or just…leave it be. He scratches his head absently, the shortened length of dark purple hair still somewhat odd to his fingers. But the worrying thought that his mother will give him a scornful look when she sees this floats away as he notices the first signs of Rima enacting her revenge.

"Oh no you don't-" He grunts out and scrambles to pull the spiteful woman back. Did he really drive three hours straight for this?

She stops immediately and whips back around with a searing glare at the perpetrator who dare stop her.

The anger melts away from her entire face to be replaced with something indescribable, a thin coat of emotion that is so quick that he can barely catch it all in one glimpse. It showers her face, running through her eyes in a millisecond he wishes he could bring back and decipher with more time. But this is one of the most difficult women to deal with. One who could hold a grudge for years without said person knowing until they tasted the vile acts of childish revenge she always seemed to be doing. Whether it be a pile of damaged books, documents or sabotaged records, Rima Mashiro is always the unsuspected culprit.

She will get back anyone that had ever wronged her. She could hide anything.

Who knew this better than a man she had formerly held dear?

A man that still cared for her even though he was aware she didn't care much of him.

Until now that is.

He raises a brow at her blank face and small delicate mouth open in shock, as if in question. He knows she had been purposely avoiding him for twenty minutes, never looking once in his direction. But he can't keep the victory feeling at bay surging through his veins aware that he had managed to catch such a girl off guard. She notices his unspoken curiosity and straightens immediately, making a very feminine-like noise while clearing her throat. Nagihiko still doesn't understand how she manages that.

"I see you've taken to a much more male complimenting hairstyle." She comments dryly, glancing at his clean layered cut just above his shoulders.

"Got in the way at work." He replies honestly.

Nagihiko would smile at her evident compliment/insult but he can't bring himself to it, with the weary ache in his heart still running full force in his mind. The death that he had learned of only a day earlier in dull black text. But Nagihiko isn't so drained that he is oblivious to how much Rima's changed. He catches the much too obvious wide dark circles under her eyes and the way too thin arms uncovered by the rolled up sleeves of her sweater.

She's not eating again.

He frowns this time and the action comes oddly easy. "I see you've put work over yourself, as always." The retort isn't bitter but more of a low chiding he can't help but bring up. She realizes immediately what he means and yanks her dark crimson sleeves down sharply, pulling the end fabric tightly into her fisted palms to keep them from going up to her wrists. Rima tightens her arms across her chest, sniffing disdainfully at him.

"It's not your business, and it never was. Why should you care now?"

Nagihiko looks at the girl taken aback, a hurt look shadowing his features. "Why shouldn't I?" he whispers sadly, fisting his hands into his coat pockets. "Two years I wondered… if you were passed out in your apartment somewhere, alone, dying. Or perhaps already dead. The thoughts still haunt me even now…and you say such a thing so lightly. To a person who knows you better then yourself? Rima, I still don't understand what you're trying to accomplish." He shakes his head to the floor, slowly, eyes downcast.

"Don't lecture me. It's always the same with you, isn't it?" she hisses, her voice noticeably lower. But she avoids his prying eyes, confusion flitting across her features ever so lightly. Barely evident yet Nagihiko picks it up immediately, but isn't quite sure what to make of it. Doubt, maybe? Regret?

He chuckles, and ignores her frustrated glare in his direction. "You're complicated, I guess that will never change."

Her anger resides as she gives him a quizzical brow lift. "Really now? Maybe you're just too simple-minded." She had noted this as if stating the weather, giving a small shrug with her shoulders.

"Ouch."

Rima tilts her head at the boy, confusion lighting her face yet again. "What, did you stub your toe or something?" Such a bitter woman she turned out to be. She could be an actor, she really could. Soon enough, the mock concern is gone and a mischievous glint that he hasn't seen in years returns to her eyes. She smirks at Nagihiko with a slight tilt to her lips, then turns her back to him and begins her way towards Amu. Most likely to act as a defensive wall from Ikuto.

Always the last word. Always. Nagihiko actually lets a smile grace his lips this time, burrowing further into his coat and breathing in the fresh cottony smell. Just like those two years ago when her face was so open, more revealing then it ever had been . The pain, the unmasked raw pain in her eyes had made him recoil in shock.

The grin falls mutely from his mouth and he bites his tongue hard to bide the strange tightness in his chest away.

He never wanted to see that again.

Bright neon green eyes catch Nagihiko's grim expression, concern flashing across both in one obvious light that had a slim blond woman opening her mouth.

"Don't even bother Kukai."

Said person turns towards the addresser, surprise taking over his concern. He freezes, noticing now fully who in fact had spoken so coldly to him. Utau looks up at him with half-lidded eyes, her lips pressing so tightly together in irritation you could barely make out the pink. She hadn't bothered to disguise herself in public. Her arms are crossed loosely over her chest, jean jacketed sleeves coming a bit too far over her wrists.

_She's gotten smaller_. He muses.

"It's not my jacket if that's what you're wondering," she answers placidly to his curious look.

_Or maybe not._

The tan soccer player stiffens for only a moment but forces a friendly smile on his face. "Got a boyfriend now, huh?"

Utau looks thoughtful for a few seconds, as if trying to pick her answer carefully. "No…not really."

He can't help the relief that floods his entire body with these words. Even though he doesn't have the right for jealousy or lingering feelings. But Kukai snorts anyway, matching auburn brows pulling sharply down in puzzlement. "Not really…ok, did you just take it from some poor guy off the street? I wouldn't be surprised if he just handed it over seeing the look you've got going now."

"What _look_?" She asks icily, somewhat offended.

Kukai, undaunted and very or rather oblivious to her warning tone, continues. "You know, the one where 'I'm really pissed off and you better not question me or I'm going to rip you a new one' or maybe, 'you better get me some chocolate now if you want your family jewels intact in the next five minutes'…let's see, there's also 'I'm going to shove this chair down your throat if you don't sit down and eat what I cooked'. Oh, and my favorite, 'You're sleeping on the couch tonight because you said something really damn stupid."

He shakes his head, tsking quietly to himself. "That one bit me in the ass too many times to count."

Utau wrinkles her nose, indifferent. "You make us sound like some old married couple," a ghost of a smile sneaks across her lips seconds later. "Whatever, you deserved it." Then it's gone before he can grin back, snapping away and becoming that nonchalant frown that she had walked in with.

The frown that would suck up every emotion she was feeling and shove it back until the dam broke and flooded her entire body. He knew she was too stubborn and had too much pride. She would never collapse completely in front of everyone so easily, holding everything in until the last string steadying it would snap and disappear into the wave of grief. He knew it firsthand, too. Once, she had showed him her weak and vulnerable side, holding onto him so tightly as if she thought he would disappear. Digging her nails into his arms so hard, her fists shaking violently with the effort. And he would stand there as long as she needed, embracing the sobbing girl gently, soft as could be. Kukai thought she would snap out of the foreign behavior at his touch but she only clung harder, wailing higher.

And he wonders if she feels like that now. Or felt like that on the way to the funeral.

Now it's something else that's worrying her. A problem that had shook them all, and it concerned Yaya. He hadn't even gotten up the guts to ring the Hotori's doorbell, rushing over along with everyone else to the hospital when Amu had received a frantic phone call from Kairi that Yaya had collapsed. Amu almost plowed him to the bottom of the steps as she rushed to get out of the house, Ikuto not too far behind.

They still had no clue to what it really was.

Kukai rakes a hand through his hair, sighing loudly. It was all too much. He didn't know how long his mind could make it out to be surreal, soon enough the shock would wear off and the gaping solid ache in his chest would settle in. He could feel the first signs of it easing into his body, weighing down his limbs and shooting his stress sky high. And he wasn't a stressful person.

Not by a long shot.

But this…_this _didn't have a word.

"Are you alright?" Soothing cool fingertips land softly against his cheek, ever so light that he had almost not registered it. Kukai looks up, surprise darting across his features. Utau realizes the unnecessary gesture, pulling back as if she had been seared by some unimaginable fire. She sends unspoken words in Kukai's direction, holding him down with her solemn violet gaze.

_Don't mention it. _

He catches the message, looking away quickly and towards the floor.

She shifts to lean on one hip and clears her throat, the sound strangely loud in their current surroundings.

A nurse gives them both a curious look while walking by and towards Yaya's family. Utau straightens immediately, watching the woman sharply. Kukai, along with everyone else perks up, expressions hopeful and full of worry for the young happy-go-lucky girl they had all once known so well.

The nurse's tone is too low and hushed to be heard from across the waiting area. Even with strained ears they can't make out any part of the conversation. Yaya's mother looks hurt with every little careful word coming from the nurse's mouth, but she wills to put on a understanding smile, nodding after a moment.

Puzzlement eats at Utau, but she manages to remain back, realizing how much of a blow it must be to the family. She didn't really know a lot about Yaya's life after Utau left herself other than what Amu had relayed to her. The young joyful girl had grown apart from Amu and everyone else, getting mixed up in some sketchy crowd during high school. The group tried to talk to her, get in touch but after a while just left it be as Yaya kept pushing them away. Although, Amu never completely gave up. At seventeen, Yaya dropped out from school and was never heard of again until two years later.

She didn't mention anything of what she had done out in the city, alone.

And no one had the nerve to ask.

Just two months and with her family again, and then _that _happened. It's most likely stress, it would be the logical answer to such a thing. Utau knew firsthand what it was like to have tremendous amount of pressure on your shoulders, nonstop, months at a time. She was painfully aware of how hard it was.

But somehow…Utau feels that it isn't stress.

"Excuse me?" a soft voice prods at her attention. Utau startles, looking up into the tired face of the young nurse that had spoken to Yaya's family only moments before. "Are you Miss. Hoshina?"

"…yes." Utau answers slowly, wary. Why would they ask for her and not the family?

"Well, the patient - sorry, I believe…Yaya, yes, she requested three of her friends. She gave me all your names, I already notified the others. Amu, and Rima I think?" She bites her lip, unsure. "Well, she didn't want to tell her mother anything as of yet. I'm don't really know why, I mean such a thing-" The cherry haired girl cuts off and her cheeks flush bright pink. "Sorry. I tend to ramble…"

At Utau's blank face she blushes an even darker color. "Oh, um, well you can head down there now-"

That's all Utau needs and she shoots off from the room, her steps long and rushed.

"Room A14!" The nurse shouts at Utau's retreating back. Her stride doesn't waver at the words, it grows more confident and quick, each tile a blurry black dot under her feet. She scans the corridor, the numbers growing ever smaller and with less digits. Her mind whirls and turns, and she's not completely sure what to focus on. The fact that Yaya had wanted to talk with three girls that haven't been in contact with her in years, and not her own mother was…so strange. Utau couldn't begin to fathom what really was going on.

Mrs. Yuiki's face flashes in the back of the pop singer's mind, and she pauses in her steps, coming to rest at room A23. The way it seemed dejected, so…pained.

_Why? Why not me? _

Utau imagines the words popping in the older woman's mind, so agonizing to think.

And all the mauve eyed girl can come up with in return is:

_Why…why me?_

Suddenly, too sudden, the numbers are before her. They burn bright in her gaze, so vibrant and dangerous in a way she can't really understand. Utau tenses but reaches for the knob and pushes it forward. She notices Amu first, her striking strawberry locks in full view from the door. The honey eyed girl sits still in a nearby chair, face tight with worry. Rima is standing, expression stoic, her faint blond hair tumbling in a loose and messy ponytail, falling across her back in a clutter of sun kissed strands. The short girl stays beside Amu, back erect, gaze vacant.

Utau steps fully into the room, pushing the door behind her shut with a soft and final click.

All three occupants of the room look towards her at the same exact time. But Yaya's expression is the only one she can see, the only one she wants to change.

Her auburn orbs are wide, full of fear. Fingers tight against the sickly white bed sheets, clenching harder and harder with every passing second. Her light brown hair runs freely down her shoulders, so oddly different from what Utau remembers of the young girl. But it doesn't seem wrong that way, more fitting than the childish pigtails that used to sit atop her head. Yaya's eyes hold old pains and heartache that was never there before Utau left three years prior. Things she was never supposed to experience.

Not at such a young age.

Yaya's face crumbles and she chokes, her hands shaking as she brings them up to put to her mouth. Most likely to muffle the sob, but it doesn't work. They all move immediately forward, reaching out tentative fingers. But they don't touch the crying girl. Maybe it was because of the gap of so many years apart, the thought that she would reject such caring gestures. Or rather they had no idea how to handle it. Amu seems the most pained at what to say, looking at Yaya with such sorrowful honey eyes.

"I'm sorry…" Yaya whispers hoarsely, tears running freely over her cheeks. She wipes roughly at them with the back of her wrist, sniffling. "I just d-don't know what t-to do." Her voice comes out so young, terrified.

"It's alright." Amu speaks softly. "Whatever it is, we'll be here for you."

Utau steps toward the small hospital bed, her face growing softer, less grim.

"Tell us Yaya. What is it?"

It was as if those words were all the girl needed to be told. She casts her head down to the sheets, not meeting any of their eyes for a single moment. Her weary, sullen face quakes with her lips as she tries to hold down more tears. She opens them with two words shooting out. The whisper is quick, almost inaudible. But they all catch it.

They all hear what they never thought, never expected. Words that were left unspoken for so long.

Too long.

* * *

"…_I'm pregnant…"_

* * *

**Did anyone see that coming? I know, I know, Yaya PREGNANT? What am I thinking, right? It just went in there all of a sudden one day, and I've thought it over and over in my head. Thinking the obvious stuff. There's no way she could get pregnant! Yaya? Psh. But it just stuck, and now I've prewritten all the way to chapter eight. But considering she ran away from home, went through a bunch of things out on her own, blah blah. It makes sense...? I'm wondering if any other shugo chara author has made Yaya pregnant. I did not copy, I swear! Maybe it's cliche...ugh, I've thought countless times about this chapter and how horrible it could go over with the readers. It's an old chapter, VERY. I've added stuff in recently, fixed. But it still looks bad to me. **

**Kairi isn't there for a reason, don't worry. And I've hinted quite a lot with stuff that happened in the past, I'm sorry if that makes it hard to follow! It will be explained all in the end. Oh, and Rima dosen't have an eating disorder, she just dosen't take care of herself very well. Works too hard...**

**I'm pretty sure I cleared it up a bit more with what happened to Yaya, but there will be some explanation again about it in...chapter...I think the one after the next. **

**Oh man, I tried super hard to make this enjoyable to read. But this chapter is the big breaking point for me on whether or not you guys will continue to read it! AHH! I don't know how this will be received, I'm fed up with editing it a billion times over and worrying. So...here it is. Honestly, I'm expecting half my readers to dissapear.**


	6. Past Mistakes

Kukai has been tapping his foot to the beat of a millisecond.

Nonstop.

Sleep deprived brown eyes stare at the quick nervous twitch of the boy's limbs, blinking steadily and growing ever slightly aggravated. Nagihiko looks at his old friend's tan anxious face and notices his hands are clenched hard in his lap. Jaw rigid, gaze straight on the slow ticking clock overhead the information desk. And he recalls the many days right before every important game.

The guy was always a damn wreck.

It happened all the time in high school right before he was put into the soccer match. He got nervous, tapped his foot unconsciously and always looked at the slow ticking timer. Nagihiko knew Kukai thought of everything that could go wrong before it even happened, how much disappointment would be on his shoulders if he missed even one goal. A captain was supposed to be perfect for the team. It was an image he had trouble holding up for two years. A struggle few knew of.

But when it was his turn to go, everything outside changed.

His face would grow stoic, bright warm eyes dark and cold. He would saunter out onto the field with a bold confidence and a strong rigid will to win. Kukai was a different person lost in a completely opposite world on those chilly spring nights.

A sad small breaks across Nagihiko's lips as he thinks of the long ago memories.

Amazing…people never change.

Kukai looks over at the indigo haired boy as if he picks up suddenly on his silent thoughts.

"Holy crap…" He breathes out, fiddling with his own hair as he looks Nagihiko over with bewilderment. "That new style is seriously freaking me out. I don't know if I'm ever going to get used to it."

Nagihiko straightens in surprise, not expecting Kukai to speak so familiarly.

But whenever had he not?

"Yeah…" he starts quietly while fingering a small purple tuft then letting it fall back. "It's here to stay…"

Kukai's eyebrows shoot up at this as he leans further into the uncomfortable looking hospital chair. "Really? Huh. Sure your mom won't be on your case?"

Nagihiko stills for a moment, his expression going hard and stiff. The tan young man sitting just across from him doesn't catch the evident chilly air, going back to his endless foot taping and clock staring.

"No. She won't."

Kukai glances back, now sensing the boy's evident shift in attitude. He doesn't say anything for a moment, watching Nagihiko's darkening expression closely. Then Kukai suddenly groans, winding his arms above his head that causes a deafening resounding crack to snap through the quiet air.

"My ass hurts. This chair needs to be recalled," Kukai stands up with a painful grunt. He steps around the table harboring magazines too old to be interesting, stretching out the sore muscles in his legs.

Nagihiko snorts slightly at the incredulous expressions of two young girls nearby. But his amusement is pitched back; gone and replaced with wariness as they continue to stare at Kukai, gesturing widely and whispering quick towards each other like some heated debate. The shorter one, a girl with striking bleached hair dripping with blood red ends, begins to walk towards both of them. The style she sports looks slightly punk-rock, as if she's dressed for a concert or some kind of party.

Her heavy soled boots clack loudly in the quiet murmuring lobby, and she suddenly seems vastly displaced in the room, too small; too vibrant. Her quiet coolness almost makes Nagihiko believe it's Rima, but a second later she's closer than ever before and looks much too young to wear caked eyeliner. The girl blinks her solid doe-eyes up at him, her poise now ruptured slightly at both their gazes on her.

A second later, she turns towards the soccer player next to Nagihiko and opens her ruby red lips wide.

"You're friend's with that blond girl that came in, right?"

The question hangs for a while in the air. Up for grabs, up for anything.

She fidgets, her made-up years of age slowly crumbling in both their eyes.

Nagihiko looks towards the tile, leaving it up to Kukai to answer. _She can't be more than thirteen, fourteen…tops. _

Ikuto stands off to the side, his previously closed eyelids now lazily sliding open to watch the spectacle just a couple yards away.

Kukai smiles finally, though it's greatly exaggerated, forced to the max of his limit. "The shorter one, or…?"

The girl gives him an aggravated eye roll to the ceiling as if he wouldn't notice. "The one that looks a hell of a lot like Utau Hoshina, you know, the singer who used to be with Black Diamond?" A delighted squeal slices through all of their ears as a girl they hadn't taken notice of evidently snuck up from far away.

She is on the heavier side, the stage before teenage girls lose weight, but rosy-cheeked and all smiles. Kukai seems to visibly relax at the more friendly looking girl, but still is a bit teed off from the other one's short fused attitude. His grin grows more hesitant with the passing seconds, as if he doesn't know quite how to respond.

"I knew it! It's Utau Hoshina! Omigod, I KNEW IT!"

The mousy-brown haired one goes red in the face, then shies a bit away behind her friend. Bad attitude crosses her arms and gives a big dramatic tough-girl sigh.

Oh, Nagihiko knew those well.

She shifts her head, causing the hair to fall from her face and reveal slightly blemished skin. The make-up coats over it, hiding the red but not enough to completely ward off any notice from keen eyes. "Yeah, well, Yuki here is a big fan-" She smacks her friend lightly on the arm and scowls like everything she's doing is a huge bother. "_Stop acting like such a spaz-" _The girl snaps harshly and ignores the hurt look thrown her way.

"And, she was wondering if you could get her an autograph. You're her manager aren't you?"

Kukai's eyebrows crease slightly. "Ah. Sorry, but I'm not -"

"Well, you know her, don't you?" She buts in, her eyes bright and challenging.

"Yeah. But I can't, it's not really the best of times to -"

"God. It's just a fucking autograph, I'm not asking for concert tickets," she hisses, her tone suddenly hostile, shifting to one hip sharply.

Kukai's face shutters through a whirlwind of emotions at her words as his arms go rigid, and the polite smile he had mustered falls clean away. Nagihiko gives both girls a steely eyed glower but falters as he notices the ashen white faced shocked young girl trembling behind her friend.

"Look," Kukai finally says, stuffing his shaking fists into his pockets. "This is not a good time. I don't have any business getting an autograph for you right now, maybe later we could work something out -"

"Are you kidding me?" she half-yells. "This is so frickin stupid!

The girl behind her reaches out a hand. "Ai, it's fine. I don't need it -"

Ai brushes the hand off roughly, her face torn in rage. Kukai doesn't move even at her advancing threatening step in his direction. "I know your type. You're just some rich _associate _of hers, right? She's probably visiting one of her friends that's got some screwed up addiction or whatever. You're just going to tell us to go away and promise us that we'll receive a little gift for our troubles because Ms. Popstar's too busy, huh? Is that it?"

Kukai's jaw clenches tight at her words.

Nagihiko suddenly realizes her feelings are much deeper than some frivolous autograph from a celebrity. It's a magnitude of anger that's pouring and flooding it's way out of a massive bottle that was already too full. She's snapped, and he knew she wasn't going to let it go any time soon.

The girl was starting to remind him of someone almost too well.

A few doctors passing through glance over at the scene, some whispering, some openly peering over to stare. A nearby desk attendant's hand is hovering over a phone on her desk, face anxious of what could unfold.

The small girl, now crimson faced, opens her mouth again for another bout of defiance.

"Hey," a deep voice slides in and easily interrupts. Her livid russet eyes snap sharply towards the owner.

Ikuto doesn't wane in his slow steps as he walks towards the group, dark and somewhat strikingly different.

Somehow…calming.

His hands are resting in his pockets as he looks at the enraged girl without a flicker of emotion.

Ikuto's eyes flash dangerously as he levels her gaze with his own. "He said no. Beat it."

Ai immediately flinches back, her features sputtering over with surprise. The bold searing anger is suddenly gone, winding back and away from wherever it had collected up. Her overbearing exterior shatters into pieces, and is replaced with a frightened young girl. She rubs at her pale bare arms, suddenly looking entirely lost and confused. Her friend pulls at her shoulder, ushering for them to leave.

Ai bites her lip then looks at Kukai for a fraction of a second. "Sorry…"A mumble from her quivering mouth. Then they are quickly stepping apart and away, sliding from view just as easily as they had appeared only moments before.

"Something's wrong with teenage girls…One moment they're smiling, the next they're trying to murder you in your sleep…" Ikuto mutters under his breath. He scratches absently at his cheek then glances over at Kukai. "You alright?"

Kukai turns towards the older boy in surprise, not used to being adressed by him, then tries a hesitant smile once again. A smile that doesn't quite reach all the way to his eyes. _He should've said something. _"Oh, yeah. Had to deal with fans like that before." Before meaning when things we're good between him and Utau.

Kukai rolls his head to the side and grimaces at a faint crack of joints. "Just wasn't exactly expecting her to flip out on me."

"No one was…" Nagihiko puts in, glancing at the still wary woman peering over her desk at them. Her eyes are judgmental slits, ready to spit accusations and threats to throw them out at the slightest whiff of more trouble.

"How long has it been?" Ikuto asks quietly.

The question could have applied to any time, any place, but they all knew exactly what the vague words meant.

Nagihiko brings up his wrist and scans the faint blue lighted screen. "Fifteen minutes."

The three young men stand there, silently waiting in the hazy antiseptic atmosphere. It clings to them, slipping begrudgingly downward and singing into unperceivable smoke. The very air around the heavy-coated group is thick and impenetrable in that single moment as they stare at each other.

As if they've just figured out who in fact is in front of them

And every one of them wonder the exact same thing: _What's going on?_

Then a strange rhythmic sound comes slowly about. Like a slap of a ruler against a desk, it slices the space between the boys. They all move back and focus over towards where the quick steps and pounding heels against tile is coming from. Utau, with her hair free of any ties, comes into view and is seen fumbling with the fat buttons on her-not hers, but someone else's-jacket. It's too big for a girl of her size and noticeably worn around the sleeves and pockets.

Kukai tries to ignore the piercing jab in his chest at the thought of it belonging to a guy. Any guy. He heads to her side, and starts to notice the barbed steely face, the dark violet indignant set of eyes; the grim tight-lipped frown he had been subjected to many times. Most that he had not a clue why. Kukai knows it's best not to say a thing when she's this furious. But he's too curious, or rather desperate for some logical and stable answer to bide away his scared mind.

Both their steps are in tune as they crash through the swinging doors. No one is coming in or out, not one person is following either of them. Kukai thinks briefly of where Rima and Amu are, but the thought pulls back as he catches the tears shining in the corners of her eyes.

A row of vehicles surface in both their sights as they continue to walk briskly against the sidewalk tracing back towards the entrance. She stops then, coming to rest beside a car that looks too new, too shiny. Its form is sleek, a brand that he could never afford, never hope of owning someday.

Kukai looks it over wistfully.

Her fingers shake as she pulls out her keys and stumbles to unlock the car door. "Go away, Kukai."

Said boy doesn't reply as he watches the girl scramble with the various keys and small chains decorating the thin metal loop. He only watches, solemnly, quiet and placid in the chilly air.

She finally locates the right set of keys and presses a red button that hasn't had time to become faded. A deep click sounds through their ears and she reaches for the glossy black handle. Kukai suddenly angles to the side, now leaning heavily against the car, stopping any movement she could have made with the door. Utau shoots a solid glare in his direction, the flash of tears from only moments before now wiped clean.

She had talent for that kind of thing.

"I said go _away_."

He props his arm on the hood, and places his head into the crook of his elbow. "No."

Her eyes pivot to an unmistakable spark of anger as she crosses her arms tight against her chest. "Get off my car, I don't have time for your stupid games."

Kukai peers over at her, his mouth not visible behind the fabric of his coat. "I'm not playing a game."

She shuts her eyes briefly, her face torn in anger but now with a tinge of slight aggravation. In the distance, the streets ring high with crystalline waves of cold wet puddles. Cars roll on in the drenched roads, passing them by, sloping steadily on down the paths away from this rare moment, these unspoken words between two people who were once so close…

…now far apart.

Her eyes reopen and are now clear, weak. "Just go." Her hard expression is collapsing under his persistent bright gaze. "Leave me alone…" Utau gathers the jacket closer, holding tighter as her fingers fade to an even paler white.

Kukai moves closer, a fiery need to touch her racing through his nerves, to just…hold her. _Anything. _

He grasps the action back with difficulty and speaks once more. His tone is an almost silent hush, only something she would hear being so near. "You know I won't."

She shakes her head and steps off, back, an uncertain look breaking over her features for a fraction of a second.

_You didn't have trouble doing it before._

Then it's gone and she's staring at him hard and defiantly once again.

"Fine. What do you want?"

He doesn't answer immediately. His mind dashes with the questions he could place in the air carefully, knowing full well how fragile a subject it was. With the state she was in now, he wasn't sure how she would react. Would Utau seize shut? Open up?

Kukai lets a small cloud puff from his mouth.

The air had gotten suddenly cold. "Is Yaya…okay?" The words comes from his lips before he can say it over in his mind and rephrase it as polite and unoffending as possible. In a way, relief claws its way into his chest, but slowly settles into panic that Utau will be her ever stubborn self. She shifts after a while, the grainy asphalt beneath her booted feet giving a rebellious loud scratchy crunch.

Utau casts him a long heated glance. "Yeah."

This…he hadn't been expecting.

"Yeah?" He repeats in a whisper. "Then why-"

She cuts him off with a dismissive flick of her wrist. "Yaya's recovering from malnourishment and stress. In other words, she's perfectly fine."

His eyebrows furrow downward. "Wha…stress…" Kukai then stills. "Are you saying she hasn't been eating?"

Irritation flickers across her features at his confused speech, as if he should have had complete understanding after her previous statement. "Kukai. If she hasn't been eating for two whole months, she would practically be…okay, the fact is, she hasn't been eating enough to…provide for herself…fully." Her speech becomes muddled and is placed cautiously like she isn't quite sure what exactly is coming from her own mouth.

Kukai's face grows even deeper perplexed. "So…she doesn't eat enough, but she does…and she's stressed, so that made her faint?"

Utau holds back inner frustration with difficulty, her lips twitching to go into a scowl. "Kind of."

A far off siren rings in the background but he pays no mind to it as he scrunches up his face in thought. "You're not making any sense…"

Utau angles her head up at the dreary grey backdrop of the sky, wondering faintly if she's going to have to drive through an annoying sheet of rain. She turns away, looking over the russet haired boy, distant memories springing into the back of her mind with every passing moment. She thinks of how entirely too much has drastically changed and shifted with time. How his boyish features were more defined, how his eyes were less full and wide with ignorance of the cruel side to life. How much taller he's gotten, how different he's altered on the outside from the last day she had spoken to him face-to-face.

_The day he had broken something between them._

Yet…here they are again. Entirely the same people with entirely opposite lives.

The young vocalist stares at him solidly for a beat of a second, then opens her mouth.

"Yaya's pregnant."

* * *

**15 minutes earlier**

It was so quiet.

Too quiet.

There wasn't a shuffle, no calls or murmurings from outside the door. The small white-washed space seems to suddenly constrict tighter, squeeze in and leave their minds to hang in thin air and stall like some old car. Yaya sniffs in the stemming silence, peering at all three girls with frightened wide eyes. None of them move an inch, their breaths becoming inaudible. A loud clack thrums every second in the steady quiet atmosphere, sounding from the lone dieing clock on one of the walls.

Amu's face had gone from worry to absolute shock. All the color had drained completely from her cheeks as if she were the one about to fall to the floor in a faint. "A-are you sure?" She immediately looks away, her expression stricken and pained. "God, that was a really stupid question…"

"Got to agree with you there. We _are_ in a hospital…" A mutter seeps from Rima. Her normally bored features are now open with surprise, her whole body taken off guard with the announcement. Both of her arms now lie free and limp to her sides as she tries to connect reality with the present. Her mind pitches and whirls as not only her but they all try to come to terms and comprehend what had just been said.

"But," Amu starts, slow and slightly reluctant, her face crumbling with every passing moment. "Wh…how-"

Yaya throws up her arms and pounds them down to the sheets, creating none of the loud intimidating sounds she intended, hot frustrated tears rolling from her wild russet eyes. "How do you think, Amu?" Amu flinches back from Yaya, not expecting such an outburst. She fiddles with her hands, casting her head to the ground and biting her bottom lip hard.

Yaya sighs and her expression grows apologetic towards her old friend. "I haven't been eating enough. That's how." The younger girl suddenly groans softly to herself, pitching forward to bury her face in the sheets between her outstretched legs. "Oh god, I don't how to tell her…how do I tell my mom?"

Her voice is so…desperate, a quality they've never heard from Yaya before.

All three girls stare at the distraught Yaya, itching to do something. Something they would have done years earlier without any hesitance at all.

Utau looks at Yaya with steady violet eyes. "She'll understand."

"No," Yaya whispers, sitting back up and sniffing loudly. Her voice is distorted and puffy as her red-rimmed eyes. "No. She won't, they won't. Not after what I did." She spits the last part as if it were some long ago mistake she'd rather forget and live entirely without.

_Who's the father?_

_When?_

_How long?_

They don't speak the questions winding into their minds. The words would crash through boundaries they all weren't quite ready to step into, or even come close and stand just beside it. Begrudgingly, the three girls keep their curiosity at bay about that year Yaya had gone and left without a word, and continue to wonder how exactly to deal with such a shocking event normally.

How did you respond to something like…this?

Utau lets her crossed arms come down as she looks over the girl she once held as a dear friend. But that was a long time ago, where things were simple and clean. Now, they are strange, twisted and alien. Something she would have denied and rejected if she was allowed to look in her future and see what was going to happen. She purses her lips as she glances at Amu. The kind-hearted girl is visibly struggling with herself to say something along the lines of 'It will be alright'. But she doesn't know that for sure.

None of them know.

Utau flexes her ice-cold tipped fingers. "Well, what are you going to do?"

Yaya's head jerks in Utau's direction, her features confused and lost. Like a child. "Huh?"

"I said," the blond singer starts, her tone growing soft once again, careful. "What are you going to _do_?"

Her face goes pale as she gives a shuddering breath. "I don't know…god, I don't know." Tears slip from the corners of her eyes as she tries to blink them back. Amu reaches for her then, putting a hand gently on her arm.

"Hey, you're not alone in this. Everyone's here," A flash of something unknown comes across her expression, but it's too quick for Rima or Utau to decipher. "We'll help you through anything. You know that, right?"

Yaya shakes her head sharply, pushing Amu away. "I don't want any help getting through this. There's nothing that's going to happen. I am not doing _anything_!"

A pin prick of aggravation seeps along Utau's spine as she hears Yaya's voice drop drastically into that 'it's going to be my way and that's it!' tone.

Rima flips some wavy blond strands away from her face as she opens her mouth to speak. "Having a baby requires some effort on your part. You can't just get off scotch free because of a mistake you made."

A mistake, a burdening mistake Yaya caused herself.

"You're right. It was a mistake…" The younger girl replies, her tone strangely free and more detached then before. It was a fact that was becoming more obvious and noticeable to all their ears, even to Amu who is willing her mind to stay awake in the situation at hand, begins to pick up on the strange way Yaya is acting.

It was different.

She was…different.

"…_It_ is a mistake."

Amu straightens immediately at the spoken words, her face flashing worry. "That's not true. These are _never_ mistakes-"

Yaya brings up her hands and places them solidly over her ears. "Please, just stop! Stop telling me everything will be alright with you guys here. It won't! I don't even know why I asked - I just…" She let out a deep breath, the salty drying tear trails on her cheeks shining in the lamplight. "It's a mistake, alright?" Yaya said this as if she needed, _needed_ them to agree. A subject so serious that she wasn't handling all that well herself and wanted them, anyone to tell her right from wrong.

Rima silently picks up on Yaya's own oblivious want and gives a quiet sigh of her own. She shuts her eyes for a moment, shifting to her left hip, and opens her lips even though she knows the outcome won't be good. "That doesn't change anything. You're still going to have to suck it up and go through with everything-"

"But I don't want it! Do you guys not get it? I don't want anything from him!"

Him. _Him. _Utau glances towards the ticking clock, a sudden understanding settling into the back of her mind. The girl wasn't thinking about the baby, she was just picturing the guy who had thrown her life into a complete chaotic hellhole. Whatever was linked to him was the enemy, and that's all there is to it.

Utau settles both lilac eyes onto the much too young girl. _She's still a child. _

"Yaya, please, just think about this-" Amu starts again, her face sallow with waning energy.

"No!" she bit savagely like a young kid throwing a tantrum. "_No!" _Yaya looks helplessly from face-to-face, eyes shining with fresh frustrated tears. "This is going to tear my family apart. Don't you guys understand? They already hate me for…running away, for god's sakes, my own brother won't even look at me!"

Before Utau or Rima can snap harsh words out in brief annoyance at her unwavering negative beliefs, Amu beats them both to it.

"Now that's not true. They love you, it's completely obvious. Your family is out there now worried sick about you, waiting to see if you're alright. Tsubasa is just trying to get used to his sister being home again, safe." These words seem to have an effect, so Amu continues on, encouraged. "He's young, it's expected. Just a child-"

This was the wrong approach completely as Yaya's expression took on a wretched pull downward.

"Look at me, Amu!" She cries high towards the ceiling, pounding her small quivering fists into the bed sheets as she had done before. "Do I look grown up to you? _I'm_ just a kid, me! I don't know anything about this stuff, nothing. What am I supposed to do with a baby? !" The room grew oddly silent as they were all caught off guard by another furious break in her exterior. None of them remembered her like this, not so unstable and angry. Amu, unperturbed by the furious Yaya, reaches out a hand again.

"There's other choices, options -" It was a weakly brought up defense and she knew it, but Yaya begins to grow quieter and calm with this statement spoken aloud.

"I don't want to go through all those months just to give birth to some child that will never know its father, especially since it's his…" she pauses for awhile, biting her lip with the tears threatening to fall. Then her real fear is brought to the surface in the next moment that comes. "I don't want to…"

Rima's mouth finally set into that bitter edged frown it was normally accustomed to immediately as she registered the whispered words. There was a great amount of pity she had held for the girl, she still did. But Yaya had crossed that thin line of patience and stomped all over it with her mud ridden spoiled big-girl shoes much too long.

"You're being really selfish, you know that?"

Yaya recoils back at the venomous words against the pillows as if Rima had literally gone up and slapped her across the face.

Her russet eyes go wide as shock slowly sets in. "Selfish…" She repeats low, as if the word is foreign on her tongue. Yaya's face goes tight and hard as her eyes flare bright with anger towards the small blonde's direction. "You don't know what I've been through. You can't imagine it. And you're calling me…_selfish_? How would you like to have a kid at nineteen and no father-"

"Yaya," Utau interjects forcefully and loud.

All heads swivel towards Utau, surprise evident in their eyes as they remember the other occupant in the room.

She breathes once out of her nose, a deep calming release to ease out her aggravation with the much too scarred but childish girl. "Not having the father in the picture doesn't matter right now, not in this case, but taking away the mother completely…just think about it. Taking away the mother too is like ruining their life -"

"How would you know?" This was out of Yaya's mouth without any thought put into it and Utau was aware of this fact. It was much too rapidly spoken to be meant harm. But somehow…she couldn't stop the slicing icy pain that slid right into the throbbing old wound. It stabbed painfully quick and she could tell it was completely obvious to all of them around her.

Even Rima's face washes over with concern as Utau unwillingly gasps quietly to herself against the hurt that continues to break in waves throughout her body. She shivers against the feeling, with the odd sensation of a rippling burn coming to the bridge of her nose.

Yaya's savageness flies right out of every crevice of her nerves as she realizes the boundary that was never to be crossed so cruelly. Her rigid fury driven arms and shoulders go limp as she suddenly turns toward Utau with a soft expression; a shamed one.

"Utau, my god, that didn't come out right. I'm so sorry-"

Her lilac gaze snaps up harshly to meet Yaya's brown one. This time Utau is the one to interrupt with abrupt finality laced in her cold voice. "Right now, I'm having a hard time caring anymore. Fine. You know what? Get an abortion. _Kill it_."

The door bangs shut with her raging force as she exits from the room. They all flinch at the sound and never utter a word, even as her high heeled clacks fade away to just the steady ticks of the lone oak clock on the wall.

* * *

"_I'm sorry Utau…I'm so sorry…"_

"_Mom's not coming back from the hospital, is she?"_

* * *

**My finger has been hovering over the 'publish chapter' button for weeks. Everytime, I wimp out because I think this chapter is plain TERRIBLE!**

**There are some parts of this I like, but I mostly hate this chapter! UGH. I shoved a lot of emotion into writing this, from what I remember correctly. But this chapter was the hardest to write so far. I've just got done with chapter eight! YEAH! And I've realized how slow this story is. I mean, it's all happening in the same day! Jeezuz. BUT - I'm hoping for open minds on how Yaya is portrayed. I mean, really, really, really, REALLY REALLY - hoping that you guys won't attack me with: Omigosh she's so ooc! I don't know. I just imagined her coming out that way considering how warped I made her homelife and what not. You'll see what I mean in chapter eight. Which is chock full of drama! So I'm kind of wondering if I should change romance to drama, cuz that's been lacking in this story so far...**

**uh, so, candycloud8...this is old too, my commas are probably horrendously placed as last chapter DX I tried to fix it up, so I hope you don't want to tear out your eyes by the time you're done reading it.**

**AHHH. I've got so much stuff to go over, with what happened between everyone and all that...plus I've got to explain Tadase's death and how and when and everything else! It'll take awhile for me to get all the facts situated and in order. SO, updates might get a lot slower. And the story's time pace will get quicker and quicker after chapter ten.** **Yup. I think that's all I've gotta say besides I feel like I fail at writing...**


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